What's Your Next Move?

Recently laid off, waking up with no sense of purpose, I laid in bed contemplating all the things I could do, many of which I should do; none of which I wanted to do. I turned on my phone and watched the logo spin my phone into life. It occurred to me that I really have nothing to do. I didn't have to check my calendar to see who I should be meeting with today. I didn't have to get my fancy shirt on contemplating if today would be the day I wore actual pants. I didn't have to do anything but at the same time, I felt like I could do anything. I could paint, I could clean, I could run. I could play Fallout 4 or Sims. I could do all the things I wanted to do that work would have gotten in the way of. Why then could I not get out of bed?

I felt safe and secure in my bed this morning. I wanted to get up and go do something. I yelled at myself to try to get up and just move. Yet I laid in bed. After an hour I managed to sit up in bed and then an hour later, after checking all the social sites, I got up. I felt tired. I questioned if depression was setting in. I quickly sent that idea out to sea. I can't fall into a bout of depression now. I have too much I need to do and so much I want to do.

I went for a walk; it was a good 4 hours after my usual morning run. I forgave myself for not feeling like doing anything but mustering up the energy to at least walk. I forgave my mind for wallowing in the self-pity that I was feeling. I was just terminated from one of the best jobs I had ever had. I stopped working with people I had a strong connection with and cared about. I no longer got to deal with the craziness of the day-to-day that I so love. On top of that, I no longer have a paycheck.

After my brisk walk, I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom. I removed everything as I did when I was a housewife. I had time to clean and think. I remembered how much I loved to clean and over the years as I progressed in my career, I started hating it. The brilliant way our minds work eh! After cleaning and showering myself. I decided to play a short game Age of Empires. This game never failed at entertaining while strategically having to build your empire. The thoughts of work or the lack thereof were not in the forefront of my mind while I played. It was a nice break from the head games I decided to play on myself.

It wasn't long before I received a call from another co-worker that was also laid off. He advised me on new jobs and how to reach out to folks on LinkedIn. I didn't really want to talk; not about that. I think he needed to talk as much as I didn't. After hanging up I contemplated if this would be my life, as I took out the chicken I planned on cooking that night.

As stood there looking at the package of chicken, I couldn't understand for the life of me why me. Why now. We were getting where we needed to be financially. We had squirreled away a small amount to just enough to cover 2 months and planning on having the 6 months nest egg by the 3rd quarter. I was upset, again. I knew why. That is a whole article on how to handle situations better, let's circle back to that another time when I'm not still angry.

I cried as I took out the broccoli and carrots. I realized I had to cook. I realized I had to make my dinner work because if I fucked it up, I couldn't run to the Chinese fast food counter and order dinner. It was all on me now. I had to perform. I cried because I needed to release the overwhelming feeling that I had let my family down somehow. I cried because I would be having surgery in a little under 2 weeks. I cried because I lost the extra weight I gained since Covid and right then all I wanted to do was eat. I cried because of the babies in the next room that would eventually need money for something. I cried because at that moment I felt like a failure. I failed and I had no idea how to get over it.

I decided crying and cooking wasn't such a good combo so I went to wake Jay. He would make me feel better. His arms felt like a safe haven. His kisses on my face felt warm and loving. I was excited to tell him everything I was thinking but all that came out was cries of despair. My weeping turned into a full-fledged ugly cry as I let everything out. He held me while I cried into his shirt making it soaking wet from my tears and snot. I cried away the anger and frustration of not being heard. I cried the feelings of failure and fear of being poor again. I let him take all of it. When I was done he kissed me and asked me what we will do next?

I didn't understand what he meant. So he asked again, you just got knocked down, what do you do next? Get up and brush myself off was my response. He used those infamous words, "don't talk about it, be about it". With that, he kissed me and went to his throne. I smiled as he left the bedroom. I felt better. I knew what needed to be done. After he left for work. I applied to a couple of positions, remote call centers are always hiring, for management, it's a bit different. Then I moved to unemployment and finished that document. It wasn't long before it was time for my evening walk and guilty pleasure Netflix! I walked for an hour tonight.

Tomorrow will be a better day! I'm going to sleep! Be safe, be well, and be kind. JM

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