We all crave it, need it, and flat-out want to be loved. Sometimes our frisky hormone lust gets in the way. In this article, you'll find the top 5 things I tell my clients to do that will create a long-term relationship.
1. 90 Day Probation
As an owner and manager of your body, mind, and spirit, you are in charge of who is allowed to enter your personal zones and for how long. Just like a business, you want to make sure you've chosen the right candidate. To eliminate those who have falsified their resume, you give a 90-day probation period to your lucky candidate. In today's world, all too often, we try to turn lust into a relationship. Not you. Not anymore. You will rule this dating game by giving a 90-day probation period before your candidate can explore the ins and outs of all of you. So, NO SEX.
I'm not going to lie; this is one of the hardest things to do. We are, after all, physical beings wanting physical touch. You can do this. How, do you ask? Simple! Date, talk, share stories, go on adventures, and explore one another's mind and spirit. Explore intimacy with your candidate outside of sexuality.
Find out what makes the candidate tick, what makes them laugh, what is their favorite everything. Learn everything about this candidate. We've all been there with the candidate who fudged their resume, and weeks later, you see exactly how much they fudged.
When you take the physical aspect out of the equation, you are left with your verbal, emotional, and spiritual queues. You can see a person for who they truly are and determine if they are who you believe them to be.
Do you have to wait for the full 90 days? No! It's best to wait the 90 days, but if you spend quality time together daily, get that Lovins earlier by all means. *Be aware of all of the queues, listen with your eyes, ears, and heart.
2. Communicate
The most important thing in any/ relationship is effective communication. Let's look at Janet and Marv. They met online a few weeks ago and hit it off. The conversation flowed, keeping them both engaged. Janet likes to be told she's attractive, while Marv needs to be told he is saying and doing the right things. They've been video chatting for the last week when they finally decided to meet in person. Marv nervously moves to hug Janet the first time he sees her. He's literally speechless by Janet's beauty. He's too nervous to say anything and believes that Janet probably hears it all the time how beautiful she is. Janet is moved by the intimate gesture of Marv's hug and makes mental notes. The date progresses to dinner, where Janet is a bit perturbed because Marv hasn't said anything about the way she looks, the new haircut, or the dress she bought. Marv is starting to look around anxiously because Janet did not thank him for pulling out her chair or saying anything about the warm embrace. They continue to chat, but the conversation is now choppy, and both of them nervously no longer know what to say to one another.
By dessert Janet, has decided Marv is just not attracted to her, and he doesn't notice the small things like haircuts. Marv is convinced he screwed up the date because he hugged Janet and believes Janet doesn't like hugs. Unfortunately, both decide it's best not to continue the relationship because things aren't the same in person. This couple made for one another could have been saved if they had communicated their likes, dislikes, insecurities, and vulnerabilities to one another.
Talking about sports, politics, news, music, that's all easy peasy stuff. Effectively communicating your vulnerabilities to someone who may or may not like you is tough. If you like to have pie after each meal, say so. If you need to hear daily, that you're attractive, let your candidate know. When they say or do something you dislike, express it and also the why behind it. Let them know if they are doing a good job. If you know you're following a 90-day probation period, say it. Does this mean the first or second conversation you lay it all out on the table? Hell NO.
Communication should start easy, favorite music, food, sports, etc., for the first couple of weeks. After that, then divulge a little bit every few days. Tell them you like to have your feet rubbed after work. Express that you enjoy quiet time on Thursdays. Whatever you need from a relationship should be clearly expressed within the first 30 to 45 days of dating. This gives both parties the ability to continue to stay should they provide the things you need. Be honest and effective in your communication, no matter the cost. My guidelines typically allow a person to be an open book by day 75 of dating where both parties provide enough information to see if it's worth continuing past the 90-day mark.
3. Honesty
The next most important aspect of ANY relationship is honesty, if not the most important aspect. Had Janet been honest with Marv on the phone call after dinner, the relationship would have continued. Marv would have told her how breathtakingly beautiful she really was. If Marv had provided Janet with his insecurities of always messing things up, she would have told him how at home she felt in his embrace. Instead, they blamed it on not being a match in person, rather than a lack of communication. By both of them not speaking up and being honest, this blossoming relationship died much too soon.
Let's look at Carol and Franklin next. Carol is a strong, educated, career-driven woman, while Franklin wants to be a family man. He does have a good job and enjoys working, but he really wants a family. On the very first date, Franklin brought up having a family with little ones running around. Up until that moment. Carol hadn't given much thought to the idea. Instead of being honest, she bent the truth by saying she does want to have a family. Franklin is relieved he's finally met a woman who wants children. He then went on about his niece and nephews and his desire to start a family.
Carol continues to date Franklin and enjoys most things about him because he fits into her long-term goals. While she hasn't given it much thought, she isn't convinced she wants to be a mother. Carol knows that Franklin's idea of a family involves children but doesn't let him know she's not sure that is what she wants. Her idea of a family is a husband and a career with lots of entertaining friends.
The relationship progresses. After 18 months, Franklin believes Carol is the woman for him, she's ready to start a family, she's stable in her career, and she's educated. She's funny and loves to tell stories; he believes she will make a wonderful mother. He's a little nervous because every time they discuss having kids, Carol changes the subject, even though she continues to say she wants to have a family. Is Carol honest here? We all know she's not. She is well aware of Franklin's intention to have children. Are they both effectively communicating? Franklin has told Carol how much he wants kids and to raise a family the way he was raised. He was being vulnerable by sharing his desires with Carol, while Carole was selfish and dishonest.
After a final discussion about children, Franklin demands to know why Carol changes the subject instead of planning out their children's lives. Carol, feeling guilty, explains to him what her idea of a family really is. Franklin is heartbroken. He remembers the very first date when he went on and on about how cute his niece and nephew were 18 months ago. He thinks about the time that he invested in this relationship and feels deceived by Carol. Out of anger, he leaves and decides to continue a relationship with a woman who does not show enough respect to tell him the truth.
Carol could have told Franklin on the first date that she wasn't sure she wanted kids. They could have talked about it and moved on from there. Instead, she decided to avoid being transparently honest. This left them both in heartbreak. Deceipt will usually do that.
No matter the outcome, the truth is always better than a lie. When you want a relationship to last, being honest will always get you there.
4. Vulnerability is the New Sexy
You know what's really attractive? Vulnerability. Yes, you heard that right. Being open and honest about your insecurities, fears, and dreams can be a game-changer in your relationship.
Picture this: Alice and Bob have been dating for a few months. They enjoy each other's company and have shared many laughs, but there's something missing. Bob's been hesitant to reveal his true self, fearing he might scare Alice away. Alice, on the other hand, has her own insecurities but is afraid to let Bob see them.
One day, after a particularly fun date, Alice decides to take the plunge. She tells Bob about her fear of public speaking and how it has held her back at work. Bob, feeling inspired by Alice's courage, opens up about his own insecurities – his fear of rejection and his dream of starting his own business.
The magic of vulnerability takes over. Alice and Bob now feel closer than ever before. By sharing their deepest fears and aspirations, they've created a deeper bond built on trust and authenticity.
So, when it comes to "He Said, She Said," remember that revealing your true self can be the key to unlocking a stronger and more meaningful connection. Don't be afraid to show your vulnerabilities; they might just be the missing puzzle piece.
5. Patience and Understanding
Ah, patience, the unsung hero of relationships. In the fast-paced world we live in, we often forget that meaningful connections take time to grow. Rushing into things, especially when it comes to physical intimacy, can lead to misunderstandings and misaligned expectations.
Imagine this: Emily and Jake have been dating for a couple of months. They're having a great time together, but Emily can't help but feel that something's missing. She wants to take their relationship to the next level, but she's not sure if Jake feels the same way.
Instead of jumping into physical intimacy, Emily decides to have an open and honest conversation with Jake. She expresses her feelings and asks him about his intentions. Jake, impressed by Emily's maturity and willingness to communicate, shares his own thoughts and fears.
As they talk, Emily and Jake realize that they both want the same thing – a committed and loving relationship. They decide to take things slow, allowing their emotional connection to deepen naturally. With patience and understanding, they build a strong foundation for their future together.
In the world of "He Said, She Said," patience can be your best friend. Don't rush the process; instead, savor each moment and let the relationship evolve at its own pace.
Conclusion: Love in Full Color
In the grand tapestry of love, effective communication, honesty, vulnerability, and patience are the vibrant threads that weave together a lasting and beautiful relationship. When you decode the language of love, you unlock a world of understanding and connection that goes beyond words.
So, dear readers, remember that in the thrilling game of "He Said, She Said," you hold the keys to a love story filled with depth, authenticity, and endless possibilities. Embrace the journey, speak your truth, and let your heart lead the way.